Nothing left to give

Some days I feel so alone. Who is there to talk to?
Who is there to listen? Who is there that understands?

I live in a society where my child isn't worth your time.
I live this life where being strong is viewed as being a bitch.
How much of life can I take on and how strong can I be before I break?

So much judgement when people look at me. Have they once considered
all that I go through on a daily basis? Do they consider how difficult it has
been for me and Ty with everything he has been through? Or do they even care?

It is sad that I feel so alone that I cry when no one is around, that I am so broken.
Who would once look beyond my perfections and really be a true friend to me?
Someone I can confide in and trust.. Someone who will not say mean things about
me when I'm not around..

I have this good heart that no one takes the time to know or to understand. I am left
feeling emotionless at time because I have nothing left to give.

Different

This year is going to be different.
This year my son is going to speak in sentences.
This year my son is going to grow in so many ways.
This year I am going to push him harder than I have before.
This year we are going to find the things that make him the happiest.
This year I am going to do my all to make sure he gets all he needs.
This year I am going to stop holding my son back.
This year I am going to let my son shine.
This year everything will change.
This year is about new beginnings.
This year I will not longer be afraid.
This year WILL be different.

Celebrating the imperfections

The past week has been very difficult.

We have had an extreme rise in meltdowns. Extreme rise in attitudes. Extreme rise in neediness. It has been difficult but that is what we deal with. We have our greatest days and those days when we can't wait for bedtime. I have not been praying for my son, and my family like I should. I started crying yesterday from missing my family back home so much. I can honestly say after 7 months I haven't really had a good cry. I am one of those people who will keep everything in as long as possible. Yesterday I broke down after listening to a beautiful song by Jesus Culture called "Your love never fails". I know that no matter what is going on in my life God has a plan for us and I need to start praying that he shows me the way and to be grateful for what we have, and all that my son has accomplished through this.

Tyler is showing me how smart he is. He is breaking out of his shell. For a child who had little to no improvement the first 4 years of his life has shown tremendous change in the last 3. He has gone from no words to showing me small sentences.

He was whining for me to get up this morning saying HELP PLEASE.. I held my ground. I said no, Tyler tell me in your words what you want. I said I want.. He looked at me and thought to himself for a moment. Than he says I.. want.. Ice-cream!! I had to let him have some ice-cream after that even if it was 11 am. I am really pushing him here lately for words. I know he has it in him!

Heart break

Woke up this morning to hear of 19 firefighters losing their lives.

As I lie there listening to the news I just imagined what I would do if my husband never made it home. I can honestly say I have never known love til that of a fireman. All he gives of himself to his community, and to his brothers with an unexplainable passion. They are a completely different breed. At times I don't understand what makes them the way they are. Why would you want to purposely put yourself in harms way? They make the decision each day when that page or alarm goes off to rush in while others are running out. They make a decision that saving someone's life is more precious than their own.

I think about the families affected by this tragedy. All the wives, all the children who received the news that their husband, or their daddy would never make it back home. It is so devastating the heartache their families, and friends are going through today. God be with them and show yourself to them in this time of need.

Communication

The day my son was diagnosed they told me many things. They said your child definitely has Autism, he may never be potty trained or talk, he may need care for the rest of his life. You need to prepare yourself for that. I think this is one of those heart breaking moments you will never forget. Knowing that your child is different and may never be able to do things the other children are doing or will be able to do.

At that point in time I knew what Autism was but I didn't quite understand it. But I knew I couldn't sit around and sulk in self pity. I began my search for extra therapies, and pushed his school to the limits. Since they didn't see it fit to give him extra help or therapies. You know because the school isn't a "daycare" Yes you heard me right. DAYCARE. Hmm do you ever wish you could go back in time. I would have so much more to say to those people now. I would love to meet with all his teachers, aides, and therapists so they could see just how far hes come.

Anyhow, Tyler will be 7 in a short month. This has been the year of the Tyler. He has mastered so many things. He can write words. He can identify words, and pictures. He is learning to say short 3 word sentences. He is learning to communicate.

I think I take for granted all he can do and how well he does communicate. I get so frustrated though, it seems the older he gets the harder his own frustration becomes when he cannot communicate to me what he wants or needs. He just gets to the point where he has had enough.I just wish there was something I could do to help. I am trying to learn his cues. I try to listen very carefully to his words. It is so difficult. I feel like if I was better he wouldn't have such a hard time. What am I doing wrong? What could I do to better? What is he trying to tell me? Please make me understand Ty.

Mcqueen! Mcqueen!

Woke up this morning to a fresh pot of coffee. I hear Ty in the background saying Mcqueen, mcqueen. He was scared last night through the storm and had fallen asleep on my lap. When daddy came home from storm spotting he had picked Ty up and carried him to bed.

I remember thinking last night how beautiful Ty looked sleeping on my shoulder. He has the most caring, loving, personality I have ever experienced. He doesn't look at anyone with judgement. He doesn't hate. He isn't mean to other children. He doesn't care that mommy is over weight. He just loves his life, and enjoys every moment of it.

Yes he has meltdowns but every child has difficulties and has troubles and deals with them in their own way. I don't know if I would take the Autism away from Ty. He is unique. He is different because of his Autism. I know he would not be the same without it.

My Ty is absolutely amazing & I wouldn't trade him for all the typical children in the world! 

Struggling

I sometimes feel like I could break. Watching my child laying on the ground crying, whimpering, and asking for my help. What does his little heart want? What am I doing wrong? I just have trouble understanding the things he needs, or wants. How is it his fault.

Those nasty looks I get from the other mothers walking past. I think to myself why is it you think you are better than me. Why because my child cannot control his emotions or his struggles with communication. Sometimes I feel like I am in a complete trance watching from a distance. If I was in the other persons shoes would I act this way to someone else. I am not sure. I never for once thought this person would be me. You never do.

I remember telling other parents.. friends, and family.. that I wish they would have a child with special needs so they could see how difficult it is and not look towards me with so much judgement.

BUT... Sometimes I just get inside his world and I don't care what anyone is doing or saying or even if they are staring. Sometimes I get down there with him. Maybe we will lay down together and stay awhile. Maybe we can figure out together what is that is troubling him.