I wish..

Some days just completely destroy me. Its one thing after another. I know there are all these memes that go around in the facebook world that us autism moms and dads are so tough. We indure all things are we are pretty much unstoppable. But its just not the case.

So often Typical parents and even family member's will say to me things like.. I don't know how you do it, your so brave to take on all you do, or wow you sure have a lot on your plate.

Sometimes I cannot do it all. Sometimes I hide behind closed doors. Sometimes I want my child to be normal. 

Sometimes when I see my niece doing sports, or seeing in choir I hurt. When I see children younger than Tyler reading and writing. When they are forming sentences and having sleep overs. Sometimes I watch him sleep and just cry. Cry because of all the things he is going to miss out on. All the conversations we will never have.

I have trouble making friends, and doing things outside our normal home and routine. Things I wish he could do. We could have so much fun. We could go to get togethers, parks, outings of all sorts without him becoming hostile as he goes off his normal routine. 

We could have normal conversations he could tell me things he likes and hates. He would tell me what he wanted to do today and where he wanted to go. He could tell me kids that get on his nerves and who his best friends were. He could help me plan his birthday party and pick out his favorite theme. 

I sit inside this dark place sometimes and just wish I could change everything by the snap of my fingers. It isn't always like this but yes us autism moms and dads wish our children didn't have the struggles they do. They wish they could have the life of what your normal is. We wish we could have conversations and cerebrate without having to pre-plan every moment. 

I love my son. I just wish his happiness wasn't a struggle, and knowing his thoughts were visible. I wish we could have a more in depth relationship. I wish he could tell me how his day was and just everyday things that typical parents take for granted. 

I feel envy towards others and how easy it comes for them. I wonder while they don't know the slightlest clue of what we go through on a daily basis they are so easy to judge this life they don't understand.