I wish..

Some days just completely destroy me. Its one thing after another. I know there are all these memes that go around in the facebook world that us autism moms and dads are so tough. We indure all things are we are pretty much unstoppable. But its just not the case.

So often Typical parents and even family member's will say to me things like.. I don't know how you do it, your so brave to take on all you do, or wow you sure have a lot on your plate.

Sometimes I cannot do it all. Sometimes I hide behind closed doors. Sometimes I want my child to be normal. 

Sometimes when I see my niece doing sports, or seeing in choir I hurt. When I see children younger than Tyler reading and writing. When they are forming sentences and having sleep overs. Sometimes I watch him sleep and just cry. Cry because of all the things he is going to miss out on. All the conversations we will never have.

I have trouble making friends, and doing things outside our normal home and routine. Things I wish he could do. We could have so much fun. We could go to get togethers, parks, outings of all sorts without him becoming hostile as he goes off his normal routine. 

We could have normal conversations he could tell me things he likes and hates. He would tell me what he wanted to do today and where he wanted to go. He could tell me kids that get on his nerves and who his best friends were. He could help me plan his birthday party and pick out his favorite theme. 

I sit inside this dark place sometimes and just wish I could change everything by the snap of my fingers. It isn't always like this but yes us autism moms and dads wish our children didn't have the struggles they do. They wish they could have the life of what your normal is. We wish we could have conversations and cerebrate without having to pre-plan every moment. 

I love my son. I just wish his happiness wasn't a struggle, and knowing his thoughts were visible. I wish we could have a more in depth relationship. I wish he could tell me how his day was and just everyday things that typical parents take for granted. 

I feel envy towards others and how easy it comes for them. I wonder while they don't know the slightlest clue of what we go through on a daily basis they are so easy to judge this life they don't understand.

Four months I will never get back

I consider myself a damn good mom. It wasn't always this way though. We've been through a lot. We have conquered many things in our journey together. 

This one part of our journey is hard to think about let alone speak of. Its almost like a piece of hidden past that no one dare bring up or go near. Its something I push to the back of my mind in order to forget. It was only a nightmare. It couldn't have been real. 

And this folks is where I fell apart.. When Tyler was first born I was a good mom. I was married things were going well. It wasn't until I realized what I was up against that it all fell apart. I ruined my marriage, I ran away from everything I once knew. My family, my friends, my life, it just didn't exist anymore. 

I ran away inside and became the mom I never wanted to be, or thought I could have been. When my son was diagnosed there was no support, no awareness, no help, or any kind of anything.. there was just me and doctors giving me no hope. There was just me and Ty and me wondering if I could take on the world..

Autism hit me hard and sent me into a very dark place. Almost like a mid-life crisis. I was in a world I couldn't face. After splitting up with my husband I spent a lot of time running and doing what I wanted to do. I cared more about myself than I did my son. This went on for a while. I was running away. I had lost my heart. I had lost my soul. I had lost myself.

During this period of time my son was intubated. It was a rough winter and he wasn't breathing well. I remember being outside of his room looking through the glass. I remember it was over Christmas. A Christmas we would never get back. I felt disgusted with myself. I wondered was this it for Tyler? Was this it for me as a mom? Had I really failed? Who was this person looking back at me in the mirror. I spoke to God that day after not speaking to him for a long while. I begged him to not let me be a replica of my past.

Mothers like this person I began to really hate. Maybe it is because I hated the person I was. I had a father who was never there for me. A mother who moved away from me and left me with my grandparents. I had felt abandoned most of my life. I won't do that to my son. Tyler doesn't deserve that kind of life.

Something was said to me that really pierced my heart and made me ultimately wake up. My ex husbands father said this to me one night.. you done playing mom? I would go over for nightly visits and stay til he had fallen asleep. I said excuse me? He said it again are you done playing mom? It was at that point I said to myself yes I am DONE playing mom. That is what I spent those four months doing, playing mom. I wasn't being a real mom to my son. A real mom puts all her selfish needs above her child. Not when it is convenient to her.

Fast forwarding a few months I was given a second chance. A chance to be a mom again. The mom I wanted to be. 

He became my life again. He showed me what forgiveness is and how important I was to him. He showed me my heart and showed me what unconditional love it. I spent all my time searching for this love, the love that would make me feel whole again. I never knew that love, is the love I had left behind.

Looking back now during this time that I lost myself I can still cry, I can still hate myself. To me it is like a nightmare that wasn't real. That could never be me. Even though it was only for a short period of time I still feel very guilty for ever allowing myself to turn my back on my child. This child who is my everything.

This was me finding myself. Without Tyler I would never be the person I am today. If I could change one thing about our life together it would be that I would have been a better mom. Four months I spent running, four months I spent with my back turned, those four months I will never get back.